Writing Wanderer II: notes from Alpha
London, UK. (rain. permanent grey cloud cover. toes are starting to freeze while cycling. time to buy warmer, water-resistant boots. will get to that, eventually...)
a little over a month ago, Omega and I were still basking in the warmth of the late summer breezes, watching the leaves begin to tint towards their golden hues... in that month + week, the weather and our lives have transitioned to make that warmth, and our daily adventures together, seem a distant dream.
Part of me is inexplicably tied to Omega. Counting down the days for our adventures together to continue (57 days to be precise). But another part is here, making it work. And surprising myself that I am living... living life as I once wished I could:
Since arriving back to the UK, there was movement, packing, moving, taking advantage of the generosity of dear friends to help Alpha move M. and her belongings out of Tewkesbury -- to storage and the big city!
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Tewkesbury Abbey.
I did develop a fondness for that town! |
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| view from my new home |
Whilst settling into a new room (shared flat), I was launched into the bustle (to put it mildly) of London... teaching reoriented the structure of my days. And my anxiety.
In the first week of classes, I was cast into negotiating extremes of classrooms, although in theory I was teaching 1st and 2nd year law students on all occasions. From settling full-out shouting matches about respect and paying for the services of the University (ie. I'm paying for this degree, so you'd better be able to tell me what I need to pass), to leading a seminar where I felt I was among friends, discussing the origins and thereby inherent paradigmatic limitations of criminal law, my teaching week continues to be a spectrum of experiences and diversity. Always eventful. Always consuming. But I love it. It is exhausting, unsettling, draining... like performing... improv every night, without the security of knowing that you are performing comedy. No, quite the opposite, these are future lawyers! None of the Halloween spooks can be more frightening than what, I sometimes think, is the potential of making or breaking a future lawyer!!
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| morning wonders in Tewkesbury fields |
Then there is all the work that remains unwritten... all my thoughts and analyses that
should at this point in my so-called academic career be carefully drafted into eloquent articles to be published in esteemed, yet edgy, yet established, law publications: pedagogy, art, transgression, irregular, identity, diversity, migration, critiques of the normative assumptions in teaching law, the potential for change, social engagement, criminalisation of difference, real world crises, politics... head. is. spinning. run. away.
Yet I know there is power in this. In spite of the fact that, since returning to London, I have indeed filled my 'spare' time with physical activity and planning future arts-based projects, I never want to turn my back on academia and research... to find the way these two fit together though, that is the simmering, but increasingly pertinent, question.
Kind of helps that I feel I have a home.
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| finally, a home... the place where I settle my things. For now. |
Fast-forward; zoom in; focus... whatever the image, come, follow my thoughts to today (come on, that's what blog's are for, no? To follow my version of my random thoughts (as if they were un-edited and un-censored...! as if):
Today. Day two of intense weekend writing. Thinking of Halloween, of Halloween's past.
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| my pumpkin: photo session at the Canal |
I walked along Regent's Canal, familiar stomping ground for Omega, Alpha and M. in 2011/2012. Pumpkin in hand, bag full of apples and pears... was thinking of how blessed I am - each object, building, person that my eyes touched held some significance. Laden with context, history, importance -- each significant, no more but no less than the previous. I was taken aback at how my experience of walking in silence, on a grey Sunday morning, may bear so much significance: Concrete. Oak leaves. Council Estates. Canal. The flood of memories as I walked down paths where M. and I shared daily routines, events, thoughts, conversations over that year and a half on Mowlem St.
How rich is life! Even in a weekend of silence, with me and my writing... but there is no ocean view, no stellar career as a dancer or theatre actor, no flamenco training in Seville, nor tango courses in Buenos Aires... all those things that I project as the 'dreams' that form the ideal needed for me to 'be me'. And yet, I catch myself, mid-stride, as the brown and golden leaves swirl at my ankles and I shift the pumpkin from left to right mid-Victoria Park... I am living my ideal. I am living a dream.
Here I am, me, here, present in London, my place, my home.
Always imperfect, yet somehow at the tip of my fingers is this 'sense' (oooh theory bubbling up...) that I could not be more content. That the future, unknown, is exactly unravelling as it should.
I am haunted by the memories, the past, as much as the future to-come... haunted by nostalgia and lack (missing Omega so so much), as much as knowing that there are great things ahead for us, beyond our imagination.
Memories of a wall (physical wall, pre-facebook era of course!!), where I had put up this poem. Words that helped me through my high-school years, more than I knew I needed to be helped:
Go placidly amidst the noise and haste, and remember
what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on
good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen
to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexatious
to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or
bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep
interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the
changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the
world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and
disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully
surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in
sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many
fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with
yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the
stars; you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the
universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever
you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy
confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its shams, drudgery, and
broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy
and spice... and the three sisters return to celebrate together
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One of the ways that Omega communicates is through "facilitation". Because she does not have control over her body, she needs someone to stabilise and pull back her hand (resistance) so that she can focus all of her energy towards the letters. Each word is spelt letter by letter with much difficulty because it is so hard to focus. Omega completed grade 12 (secondary school). Since then, facilitated communication has been much more difficult because it requires so much time and effort. There is less and less practice, and very few people who are willing to take the time and dedicate the effort to practice with Omega, and learn her ways. Facilitation relies on incredible patience from both people involved - but Omega usually communicates easily, with Yes/No questions... pointing to the left side of the palm of ones hand for "yes" and the right side for "no"].
